Annoyance

The worst part about writing anything is the start. You have all the ideas swirling around in your head and your fingers are primed and ready to lay a beatdown on your keyboard and type out a work of art (or semi regular blog with ideas above its station). You expect that any second now your computer will be set in flame from the level of friction created by your artistically motivated fingers. But you're not, you're sitting there in front of a blank page trying to think of a fancy way of saying "Once upon a time."

In more recent of times i've thought of life as just a collection lifts that you get on and off (both metaphorical and literal), but that's not right is it?

It's a collection of things that piss you off. (Insert heavy rock music and screeching guitars here)

I mean right from the start i was annoyed that i couldn't find a way to start this blog, you the reader might be annoyed that i half assed the intro with a spiel about how i have trouble starting blogs.

By the end of the blog you may be annoyed by this blog being merely an excuse to write about things that annoyed me recently.

So lets get started shall we. (Don't worry i've shortlisted to 2 annoyances to make this as painless as possible)

Annoyance 1: The visa pay-wave advert

So let me set the scene, you're sitting in the cinema, popcorn on your lap, waiting with baited breath what hollywood has decided to do with the latest work of fiction they've decided to adapt (note: I know hollywood isn't a sentient being and the movie industry is composed of a number of directors, writers and producers in and out of California) and you're sitting through the pre show 'entertainment'.

I'll be honest with you, cynicism aside i actually enjoy the pre show. I like watching trailers, it lets me know what book, graphic novel or popular tv series from the 1980s is being adapted next. As for the ads most of the time i don't find them particularly worthy of my scorn and hatred.

Except one, the visa pay-wave ad. (Feel my wraith)

Basically this ad is set in the weirdest food court that i have ever seen. It is a place that is supposed to evoke post modern 'trendiness' as young professionals sit at round tables eating sushi and drinking coffee. Some young professionals are sitting at their tables and some are in the queue, which is the longest line i have ever seen, it's a neverending line of young professionals, trendy young professionals who all have a latest visa 'innovation'.

This particular inov... i can't even say it, we'll just call it the I word from now on (the I's capitalised, are you happy now?). This particular 'I word' is called the visa pay-wave card. This card has a special chip that when you bring it up to a special visa box it beeps and instead of paying out of your own money $60 gets added to your credit card bill.

Which is fine, if you're a credit card user, in fact security concerns aside this seems pretty convenient if you're on the go.

This is what this ad seeks to portay, in a creepy way.

See remember when i said this was the weirdest food court i have ever seen. It is also the creepiest food court i have ever seen.

Now to signify efficiency everything that happens in the ad happens in time and rythym, the cards of the young professionals in the queue are beeping in a metronome, on the tables you hear synchronised slurping while people click their chopsticks and clank their cups of coffee in time with the metronome created by the endling queue of beeping cards.

It's quite simple. All of the young professionals are robots, they're robots! That is the explanation for the way they act! That or the cards aren't the only thing that have had a chip inserted into them. (It would be funny if this ad turned out to be a science fiction genius down on his luck and writing credit card ads)

But mocking aside the display of convenience and efficiency isn't a bad idea to get behind. But like i said only for someone with a visa card.

Because not all the young professionals have a visa plus cards, not all the young professionals are trendy and have the latest visa plus card.

One guy, a regular bloke, has the gall to pay in cash and to escalate things further, he pays with a $50 note.

As if the audience is all supposed to shout "what a wanker!" (synchronised of course, now that would be creepy)

That's essentially what happens in the ad, everything stops dead and everyone looks up in silence at this simple act of using another form of payment for a transaction, as if to say "look at the one who is not one of us." Even the cashier gets in on the act when she gives him a look as she gives him the change (which I hasten to add took less than 10 seconds), the kind of look you'd give to someone if he wore a shirt that had 'Eva Braun had it coming and Hitler is cuter than kittens.' written on it.

As if to say that credit cards are so efficient that there isn't any point in cash, as if there's no reason not to use a credit cards, which is not accurate in the slightest.

Is this horribly offensive? No, it's trivial at best and most likely i'm overthinking things. However my day can be ruined by seeing this advert.

Annoyance 2: "Based on a true story"

So if you couldn't tell from my last entry, i am not religious, or spiritual, or superstitious. This is not to say that others can't be, it's not skin off my nose what you chose to believe. However beliefs are subjective and while one person believes some things did or did not happen another may not.

Which is why it annoys me when movies of a supernatural nature tell us they were based on a true story.

No, just no. No it wasn't these things didn't happen and you're just trying to make the movie scarier to people who believe in the supernatural.

Which is mean, it's as mean as the medium that tell berieved people that they are speaking to their dead relatives for a palm full of silver.

The idea is that because it's 'based on a true story.' then it's within the realms of possibility that it could happen to you. It's the same of being scared of a bully because he stole someone elses lunch money.

The only way these things are based on a true story is if a crazy woman and a bunch of her crazy friends and a crazy priest thought that the crazy woman had a demon inside of her, or a crazy woman thinks that a creepy dead child is walking around in her house.

The latest trailer i saw with this was for 'The Conjuring', and while the name alone gave me the impression that this movie wasn't going to be particularly good the trailer was decent, a couple of the jump scares caught me by suprise and though i'm not really into that kind of movie it might be a decent watch. Until that phrase came up and totally ruined my impression of the movie.

Y'know what, i actually feel a little better now, like the annoyance of these things have floated away like vapour through a vent. I feel so good i might go look at some youtube comments, ooh a cheerios advert, i'm sure nothing offensive could be said about a cheerios advert.

Superstition

Unbeknownst to you dear readers (i know you're there somewhere), it has come to my attention that i have reached my 666th page view, which while as victories go is relatively minor is a victory none the less. However i am not writing to gloat about my new found success, no, i just found the novelty of reaching this specific number intruiging, and if i was a superstitious i might consider it a bad omen. (i attribute my success to my superior segway skills)

Y'see i'm not superstitious in the slightest, i'm not spiritual, i don't believe in karma and Psychic Tv can go to hell. I am well and truely a skeptic, that said, however skeptical i claim i am, then why to i think that my things are out to get me, so as i write this here in my padded cell, with padded keys because of the incident with the Caps Lock key..........

Of course i jest (it was the space bar), i say this not out of madness but frustration, as much as we may not like to admit it there are things that we can't control. So while it's logical to assume that my phone doesn't have a brain, my internet isn't controlled by skynet and coffee tables weren't sent by satan out of a whimsical hatred of shin bones, it doesn't take away the fact that it has frustrated us, and when we are frustrated we need something or someone to shout at.

When you were younger did you ever hit your head on something (don't lie), i did, and out of anger do you know what i did? I hit back, even as young as i was i realised that this was fruitless and beds from Ikea don't feel pain (although they were actually invented by satan) i still needed to lash out and return the pain that i had just experienced.

Now i'm not saying everyone's still a little more childish than they think they are but.........

Stranger Danger

In the appartment building where i live i have a problem with one of the lifts. Firstly i'll contextualise, this lift, like every other lift in the universe has two sets of buttons, one set on either side, however on one side of this lift the button for my floor doesn't work. Now this isn't a complaint, this is a trivial problem which can easily be solved by using the button on the other side. However things get interesting when there are other people using the lift as they don't know that only one side works.

I think i'm paranoid somewhat, though while it's quite reasonable for me to go for the button to the one side, that's not always the first available option and i worry that it looks weird for me to go for the button that isn't available. So sometimes i do a little acting, i play ignorant, i pretend i don't know that only one button works, look shocked when it doesn't and press the button on the other side.

Why? Because in my mind it's better than simply telling someone "the button for my floor doesn't work." It's the same as when you find yourself in an embarrassing situation and you find you are compelled to yell to onlookers "this isn't what it looks like!" (mind, gutter, out) or "this doesn't usually happen to me!" But you don't you stand there and submissively go on with your business in front of onlookers (maybe you frown, tut or shake your head, so people know you're not happy about the situation)

So what conclusions have i drawn from this? Well firstly that we all care, however small an action or situation is we all care what people think, and secondly despite the leaps and bounds we have made in improving communication, and while by nature we may be social animals, we would rather the odd person misinterpreting a situation than having to talk to a complete stranger. (and i for one blame television)

Cool

I have decided that i will determine my own threshold of when i have become old and unhip, a point of no return if you will. At this point i will deem myself uncool. This will present me with two options a) reject social norms and regard them as the decadent new generation's new fangled fads which aren't as good as the things from my day or, b) delude myself into thinking i've 'still got it' and overcompensate to an embarressing degree.

This threshold i've decided on is simply "when the new norms, fads and culture confuse me so much, i have to stop and have a cup of tea."

However this has presented me with several problems. Firstly i was never particulary hip and cool to begin with (i think that notion went out the window when at the ripe age of 23 i decided to start wearing sweater vests to the pub). Secondly i am already confused by new norms, fads and culture, what the hell is YOLO!?! Seriously! Also a cup of earl grey english breakfast would be great as i'm starting to get a headache.

One thing that has me particulary confused is when people use the number 2 instead of spelling out to or too. It's 2 or 3 letters! Is there really a considerable enough time or space saved when you use 1 or 2 letters less. I mean it's understandable when it's in marketing, it saves money on letters in advert materials. But saving a millisecond when you're telling your mate where to go really can't be that vital.

Now i wouldn't consider myself a grammar nazi, i mean i joke around, but you just need to look and the spelling and structure of this blog to see example of spelling mistakes and bad grammar (that cookie is still in the fridge by the way). But it's not the fact that it's not conforming to time honoured rules of english that have made it possible to people to understand each other for centuries (it's not like that's important or anything). It is merely confusion that any benefit is derived from the time saved typing one or two letters less. I mean i know time is our most important resource (until the next war in the middle east anyway) but this is a little silly. (man i could use a cup of tea)

The moral of the story is.... um, be yourself? As Ke$ha the wisest of public folk says, We r who we r.

P.S Eat your heart out Aesop!

Playing devils advocate

So today i'm going to embrace my inner pretentious git and class this blog up a bit with something considerably more high brow than killing cats and my opinions on the entertainment industry (and self depricating comments inserted within brackets). I'm going to talk about someone who may or may not existed, a man named Socrates, a man who was killed for pissing off the wrong people, by playing a game i like to call devils advocate.

I'll set the scene, this is the end of the golden age of Athens, this noble city has been beseiged and thoroughly defeated by the Spartans, and the athenians are looking for a scapegoat. Meanwhile Socrates in his infinite wisdom has been creating a new tradition, critisizing the state in the time of war. Now athenians, being a traditional, family values, heavily religious society obviously took umbrage to this and were pissed off.. Not only were they pissed off about this toga wearing upstart asking the wrong questions but they were also annoyed about his blasphemy. Socrates claimed he was on a mission from God. (He should be played by Dan Aykroyd if they make a movie about him.)

But i don't think it was a mission from God, i think he was just bored.

I think he was just bored of thoughless acceptance, because thoughtless acceptance is boring (and starts wars and removes civil liberties), and how did he alleviate his boredom? By playing devils advocate (or using the socratic method or whatever).

How do you play? I hear you ask, well it's very simple, first you have to see or hear a statement, do you have an opinion? Does it agree with the statement you just heard? Then throw it straight out because no one likes a circle jerk! Finally (and this is the hard part) you present a contrary view.

This is win/win, if you agree with the statement then it makes you seem more fair and balanced (and makes you feel cunning like a fox) and can even strengthen the statement you agree with. If you disagree then you get the fun of a heated arguement.

Just try not to end up with a black eye (or a stomach full of hemlock).

Also Devils Advocate home edition will be available for $19.99, call now and you geta free toga.

Sayings

There are certain things that people say that seem to be accepted as some kind of universal wisdom. Things said so often that no one really sits down and thinks about what they really mean or what could be implied by these so called "truths".

For example take "curiosity killed the cat." On the surface it's simple, cat sees dangerous thing (e.g meat grinder), cat doesn't know what dangerous thing is, cat investigates dangerous thing, cat becomes puddle on the floor (i'm not a cat person).

However what's implied here is that all curiousity is bad, that maybe 500 years ago Magellan should have been told to step away from his boats, you never know what lurks in the sea, or maybe that Alexander Fleming should put down his test tubes.

Now you might say to me "hey, you're using the saying incorrectly, it's only meant to be said about things that look dangerous." Now i don't mean to be pedantic (well only a little bit), but the saying doesn't say being curious about dangerous things killed the cat, which leaves the assumption that ANY curiosity can kill a cat.

Now i'm thinking about it, is it just me or do people who say "curiosity killed the cat." up to something. like they know something that you don't, like if something 'happened' to go wrong they would have the advantage of plausable deniability if they were called out on it, but paranoia aside.......

Now we've all heard the saying "you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette." Now wouldn't it be convenient if all we had to do to create innovation was to kill a few cats?
 

Sunday

What word do you think of when you think of sunday? There are the regular cliches, 'lazy' (if you're an average joe), 'holy' (if you're religious) or bloody (if you're U2, an Irish republican or Alan Partridge). But i had a different thought as i found myself awaken at 1pm on Sunday. Sunday is an afterthought, pure and simple that is the best way to describe it.

You may wonder what i mean by that and naturally it's as shallow as it sounds. Sunday is a day to be missed, it's the day you sleep through a hangover or take a stroll through the park and smell the roses.

But it's not as bad as it sounds, i mean as bad as suggesting the positives of wasting a day could be perceived, but this is entirely necessary. This is a day worth of downtime, no real social or work related obligations (though one can socialise if one so chooses). In this fast paced world who can say no to Sundays charms?

So i raise a glass to poor forgotten Sunday, the unsung hero that keeps us all from going insane, a day that has the misfortune of being followed by Monday. Next time i awake in the aftermath of a (subjectively) well spent saturday, i may whisper a thank you to Sunday.